Ron, The Tiny Alien
by MagickalRosePrincess
Summary: Ron's a tiny alien. Harry's confused. R&R.
1. Default Chapter

Ron, The Tiny Alien

"I'm a little alien," sang Ron one windy autumn morning. Hermione, sitting next to him in the Great Hall, gave him a perplexed look.

"I'm a little alien," he sang again. Hermione tapped him on the shoulder.

"Ron. Ron. RON!" she shouted, trying to get his attention. "What. The. Bloody hell. Are. You. On about!" Getting no answer, she got exasperated, sighed, and turned her full attention towards her breakfast.

Harry joined them a few minutes later, looking confused when Hermione suddenly shoved Ron over and gave a frustrated "Hrrrrrrrhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnn!"

"What's got into Hermione?" Harry asked Ron.

"I'm a little alien," Ron sang shrilly. "A little green alien!"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm an alien," Ron explained, turning to Harry, face twisted around like some grotesque clown trying to make a crying kid smile.

"No, you're not, Ron," said Harry. "You're a skinny redheaded bloke with no sense of direction who thinks he's a little alien. Bloody hell, Ron, what are you smoking?"

"I'm. A. Little. Alien," Ron insisted. "AY-LEE-EHN!"

"All right, all right, I've got it already!" Harry exclaimed.

"I'm a little alien," Ron sang. "An alien, an alien, a tiny little alien."

"Ron. You've said that ten times already," Harry said, trying to talk some sense into him.

"H'im H'ay T'hiny L'hittle H'alien," Ron pronounced. "HALIEN."

"Oh, God," Harry groaned. "He's been snorting something. He's on speed."

Ron suddenly started growling at his breakfast goblet, snorting the word "alien" in between growls. He turned over the goblet and his orange juice spilled everywhere.

"Ron, you tiny alien bastard, would you relax!" Harry demanded.

"Alien. Tiny. Little alien. Me. Alien. Green. Alien. Little tiny green slimy beady eyed gravy boat salamander every flavor bean O.J. alien. ALIEN," Ron trilled happily.

"Okay, so you're an alien, Ron, what then, what happens now you're an alien?" Harry rolled his eyes, expecting another train of nonsense to dribble out of Ron's mouth.

"Alien. Eating slime repellent jigsaw puzzle out of the ocean and into the blue wafer raving devil's snare ALIEN tiny green yellow blue beady eyed lizard scaly skin gibbering goblin slitherbelly wheat juice excellent little tiny green beady eyed aaaaaalien!" Ron was completely out of his head. Harry finally stood up and went over to Professor Dumbledore. Everyone watched him go, but he didn't care. This was serious.

"Uh, Professor? My friend Ron is acting strange. He's saying a lot of gibberish," Harry explained. "Something about being a tiny little alien. I think he's stoned."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrow. "We shall see," he said quietly, winking at Harry.

Harry went slowly back over to Ron. Sitting down, Ron gave him a crazed look.

"Gibbingcreepycrawlymangersitbravisitalien," he babbled.

"Ah, erm, yes," said Harry.

"Gibletsmidgetcakesbonanzabargainbridgingalien," said Ron.

"Of course. You know, the usual," said Harry, trying to make it seem like a real conversation since everyone around him was giving them puzzled looks.

"SLUGS IN A MANGER!" Ron yelled suddenly. "I! AM! A! TINY! LITTLE! ALIEN! WITH! LARGE! BOOTS! ON!" Everyone looked at him.

Harry froze, livid. When he regained movement, he turned mechanically, patted his friend on the shoulder and said, "Yeah, that's it, Ron. Let out all the anger."

"Alien," insisted Ron.

"Indeed you are," said Harry.

"Alien?" asked Ron hopefully.

"Why, yes, yes indeed," Harry assured him.

"Alien!" Ron said happily. "Alien yes yes me yes."

"This is going to be a long day," Harry muttered.

A/N: That made no sense.


	2. Part Two Why Is Ron Acting Weird!

PART TWO

"What do you think is wrong with Ron," Hermione asked Harry as they sat outside by the fountain. It was nearly supper now and Ron was still acting weird.

"Slugs in a manger," Ron muttered, behind them.

"Here we go again," Hermione moaned.

"We'll sort it all out soon enough," Harry said, trying to reassure Hermione.  
"The binks of a harbinger," said Ron.

"He's going to drive me crazy," said Hermione.

"Well, don't jump to conclusions. There may have been something in his food," Harry said. Then he jumped up. "Something in his food! That must be it! I read about something like that somewhere, ergot in the food-"

"Ergot in the food!" exclaimed Hermione. "The hallucinogen?"

"Yes! What kinds of food has Ron eaten lately?" Harry asked.

"I don't have a clue," Hermione responded. "But ergot is in wet rye and wheat foods."

"It's a start," said Harry. "We should go see Dumbledore."

"Then we go to the Hospital Wing and see what we can do," added Hermione.

"Dinky mariner. Hops of a spoon within the racer," said Ron.

"Erm, yes. Come with us Ron," said Harry, grabbing his friend's arm.

"Ink spatter gobbet fly furball Winnebago," Ron gibbered.

"Argh," said Hermione.

Dumbledore peered at the trio over his half-moon glasses.

"What can I do for you young people today," he asked.

"We think we know why Ron is acting so strange," said Harry.  
"Yes. We think it may be ergot. He must have eaten something contaminated with ergot," Hermione enunciated.

"Piss ant storm flubber," Ron insisted.

"You're all right, Ron," said Harry.

"Firewood placemat!" Ron yelled. "It's spacebar rubber chicken soup pallet!"

"Oh, Lord," said Hermione.

"Well," said Dumbledore. "Why don't you go to the Hospital Wing?"

"We wanted to let you know first, sir," said Harry.

"Thank you, Harry, thank you," said Dumbledore. "Now, let's go get this young man sorted out, shall we? Go on with you now."

"FLIBBERTIGIBBET MORON SUBMARINE TITANIC FLOURIDE RICKRACK DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD BELL RINGER!" Ron shrieked.

"Yes, let's go, let's go!" cried Hermione, tugging Ron by the sleeve.

"It's ergot all right," said Madam Pomfrey as she laid a cooling cloth on Ron's forehead. "He had a bad case of it, too. Good thing you two thought of ergot."

"Will he be all right?" asked Hermione anxiously.

"He'll be right as rain in a bit," said Madam Pomfrey, smiling. "As soon as the hallucinations wear off, he can go back to his dormitory. Now, let him rest."

"Peak whistle bear piffle," muttered Ron under his breath. "Itchy scare bottle."

"See you soon, Ron," said Harry.

"Yeah, yeah, desperate fling moon touchy scar," said Ron, waving them away. "Hippity hoppity Easter's on its way. Carburator spiffy spoff. Tin can telephone major Elphaba."

"Bye, Ron," said Hermione.

"Germanraininkosparottamagistratepilferecstacypornofilmbarotta," Ron sighed.

THE END


End file.
